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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27381478">D Goes To Taco Bell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Heirs Of Despair</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comedy, Crack, Drama, Dramedy, F/F, F/M, Mmmm ham, Taco Bell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:39:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,893</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27381478</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>D goes on her first date with Veda! Read on as they take a thrilling and heart-racing journey into their first Taco Bell!!! What will happen? YOU DECIDE! Well, no you won't. I tricked you. You fool, you absolute fucking cretin, you CAN'T decide. Fuck You. You Fucking Buffoon.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>D | Dahlia (Heirs of Despair)/Veda (Heirs of Despair), D | Dahlia (Heirs of Despair)/Zulabar (Heirs of Despair), Jiae | Misook (Heirs of Despair)/Veda (Heirs of Despair), Thiara Greykid/Wilfred Augustov Hale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>D Goes To Taco Bell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a lovely sunny, rainy, hot, wet, dry, winter day.</p><p>Veda was very hungry. She was always hungry. So fucking hungry all the time like goddamn. Plants don't fill you up for shit. But Veda did not think these things. She was just hungry, and her mind was free of curses, like she was a Pope, free of sin.</p><p>So, she was very hungry.</p><p>"D, my dearest schmoopykins." She cooed, walking horizontally into the green hallway. "Would you like to go on a date?"</p><p>D, the purple tiefling, was sitting in a recliner, reading a newspaper like Eustace Bagge from Courage the Cowardly Dog. She had long short hair that was black and her blue eyes stared at her wife incriminatingly and intensifencibly. </p><p>"Yes. I would." She calmly said like Megatron. "I would like to go on a date with you, my wife, whom I love very much."</p><p>Veda jumped up and down and through the roof and clipped through Mt. Everest like she was in Skyrim.</p><p>"Great! I'll go pack my bags!" </p><p>The half-elf ran into their bedroom, which consisted of many furbies, and jumped into a pile of furbies. She swam through the endless leaf pile of furbies like she was Austin Powers in the Olympic Games, swimming rapidly as her legs deteriorated into Jello. Lemon and lime jello, to be more specific. Then, just as she thought that gelatin would consume her very being, she found her purse, which was somehow Versace and Gucci in one product. She called it a bag because she had no idea how much it was worth monetarily. To her, it was some cloth, and in the eyes of The Lord, he thought it was also some cloth.</p><p>Then, she broke through the wall, where D was still reading the newspaper.</p><p>Some girl named Lana died of scurvy and it was on the front page. It was very sad and her father was a big idiot who cried about it. Stupid idiot. If you'd just given her more fruit, she'd be okay, stupid idiot. He is ugly and his name is Duke Faustus he lives on 1800 Fuck Street and he slept with my girlfriend. HE SLEPT WITH MY GODDAMN GIRLFRIEND. SHE'S ONE OF HIS SUGAR BABIES NOW AND <em><strong>HOW COULD YOU BETHANY, AFTER HE FUCKED MY MOM HOW FUCKING COULD Y-</strong></em></p><p>"I have the money holding device." She said, doing the cupid shuffle three times in a row.</p><p>D slapped her own ass, pogging at the new revelation.</p><p>Then, she teleported to Veda, still pogging out over the idea of money being spent on some tiddies.</p><p>"WE WILL GO."</p><p>Then, they entangled each other's arms like spaghetti noodles, and then they both marched off into the city to the tune of Katy Perry's Hot and Cold.</p><p>Suddenly, they were at Taco Bell, because I don't feel like describing the fucking streets.</p><p>"There!" Veda pointed excitedly. "It is an eating establishment!"</p><p>"Yeah." D replied. "It fucking sucks but it's better than Hardee's"</p><p>Veda grinned so wide her smile encompassed Manhattan. She liked her silly little troll wife. D snorted some cocaine and groped Veda's large, expansive, huge, milky, wide, fat, hot, cold, turbulent, masculine boobies, and then jumped over her like they were playing a very weird game of leap frog.</p><p>"Let's wait in line." She hiccuped, playing the clarinet.</p><p>But the author didn't have enough time to describe that, so suddenly everyone in the Taco Bell blipped out of existence, or at the very least, they were put somewhere else. Maybe they got to go to Hawaii. Maybe they were cursed to attend Hogwarts. Maybe, they ended up in the back of a Spencer's Gifts. Who knows! I certainly don't.</p><p>Anyways, the two lesbians got to the front of the line where an older looking vampire man was standing dressed in a purple and black uniform.</p><p>"Welcome, dear travelers, to the Taco Bell." He said monotonely, like he didn't enjoy being here. Because he didn't. "May I take your order?"</p><p>Veda scooted bravely onto the counter, doing a broadway pose.</p><p>"Me and my dearest companion will take sixteen of your finest tacos." She said gently, her melodic voice hypnotizing Misook, who was running on the ceiling trying to get leg day in. The vampire man, however, seemed unimpressed.</p><p>"Alright." He said simply, like the grumpy old man he was. "That will be three dollars."</p><p>D took the gucci-versace bag from Veda, and at mach-speed chucked it at the vampire man, Veda staying completely still as the vampire flew into the dirty tiled wall of the Taco Bell.</p><p>"Fuck You." She said in a Disney princess voice, suddenly stretching her legs out like taffy and walking over the counter.</p><p>In the back of the kitchen was Misook, her old companion from long ago, and a strange dwarf with orange hair who was frying something. His name was Haagendaas, but D forgot that.</p><p>"This is my life's work." He said solemnly in a Scottish accent turning to face the tiefling, his green eyes flaring like a car crash. "Please treat it gently."</p><p>He put his bare hand into the pan, grabbing what was in it tenderly, and handing it to D. The tiefling took a very close look at it, shoving it directly into her eyes and saying "hmmm" as she examined it. It was a little Nendoroid of Eliya, painted tenderly and with care. D shed a single tear and nodded, completing the blood vow with the dwarf. She would protect this doll with her life. It was her very reason to be a knight.</p><p>But then she headed over to a wooden cabinet, where tacos were kept.</p><p>Then, Misook jumped from the ceiling onto the floor.</p><p>"Did you pay for those?" She asked demandingly.</p><p>"Yes." D responded.</p><p>"Okay with what?" Misook asked back.</p><p>"Money." The tiefling moaned.</p><p>Thinking about the Vietnam war for a while, Misook gingerly nodded her head and then left, probably to find the one true bagel, leaving D alone with the tacos.</p><p>D grabbed all of them, which is more than sixteen, but D didn't care. </p><p>D does what D wants.</p><p>When she got back, Veda was sitting at a table. It was cleaner than all of them because God blessed Veda and so anything Veda touched became clean as if you went fucking hog wild on Clorox wipes and bleach.</p><p>"I love you, you are back with the tacos?" Veda asked smoothly.</p><p>D smirked confidently.</p><p>"Ye."</p><p>She dumped a hundred tacos onto the table.</p><p>"...I think this is a bit over the number sixteen, dear." Veda said cautiously.</p><p>D gave another smirk, but this time it was knowing and full of wisdom.</p><p>"I got a discount." She said.</p><p>"Oh. Okay!" Veda replied happily, and then she ate one taco and then was able to resurrect the cow that was killed to make it, so she could eat it without harming another living thing. D was glad because this meant she could kill it later for more tacos.</p><p>But just before D could finish that thought, or even start eating, Zulabar the Salad Bar burst into the shop.</p><p>He was wearing a Greenbay Packers baseball cap, that stupid fucking tiger coat that Macklemore wore in the Thrift Shop official AMV, tight black fishnets and a Speedo thong, with army camo crocks covering his horrible feet. I also shouldn't have to mention he was wearing the hat like people did in the 90's, like the fuckboy he is.</p><p>"I THOUGHT I'd find you here, you skank!" He screamed like a 50's mobster. "So you think you can break up with me, eh?!"</p><p>"Oh god!" D groaned, pulling out two metric tons of her own hair. "We broke up seven thousand years ago, fucking deal with it!"</p><p>"Yes, go away you filthy horrible creature." Veda said, shielding her girlfriend defensively.</p><p>"No, I don't think I'm gonna do that, girlie." He hissed, riding a skateboard around the parking lot before remembering he was supposed to be trying to win his ex back. "Because, I still own her, so she has to date me, see? And you know what, I want this date to be OUR date now, see? That's what you both get for believing in communism, see? The commies are trying to take over the world, see? But that's Ricktor's job, see? You betacucks don't even realize that we're headed towards destruction, see? But anyways, I love you and I ain't lettin' some schoolgirl take you now!"</p><p>Zulabar did a magical girl transformation, but it was horrifying. It was all spooky because it was recently October, and it was so scary that a nearby Karen saw through the windows, started crying, and then had to shit her pants and leave. Veda was also just as scared, but she did not shit her britches because the Lord wouldn't allow it. Still, D wrapped Veda into a hug.</p><p>"Don't worry about it, he does this every year." She said with a moan.</p><p>Veda let out a long "OHHHHHHHH" of realization and laughed, and they calmly went back to kissing and talking and eating tacos.</p><p>Zulabar stood there with a despairing expression on his face. His magic didn't work.</p><p>He started to cry, but he turned his back away from D so she wouldn't see him be all sensitive and gothic-like.</p><p>So D and Veda got married right then and there, summoning the souls of the dead cows to become sentient, get licensed as a priest, and then ordered him to officiate their wedding, which all their friends attended. Misook cried because she wanted to slap Veda's boobles like a bongo, and now she couldn't because it's a sin to want a married woman. Darkeethus was quiet because he was an awkward dude and had nothing to say. Thiara was happy that they got tacos, and proceeded to eat one. Plabbs was happy that he had two moms now and a whole fuck-ton of tacos. And Epsilon cried tears of oil and happiness at the fact that they were 2% closer to ending heterosexuality.</p><p>Zulabar cried and cried like the little bitch baby he is, and then proceeded to make out with a furby. The furby bit him on the tongue, but it was okay, he liked the pain. Someday, he would fuck and marry that furby and have lots of nightmare furby babies, but for now, he was just a sad pathetic man making out with a children's toy.</p><p>Haagendaas shed a single tear before turning into dust and flying away. His job was done here.</p><p>Wilfred, the vampire, who had gotten up from where he'd been thrown suddenly got angry and threw his apron on the floor.</p><p>"I'm leaving." He said angrily, but then stopped when he saw Thiara dressed up in sexy red lingerie. </p><p>The young blonde elf proceeded to wink at him. He nodded with a grin on his face and proceeded to pick her up and carry her bridal style to the men's bathroom. When he opened it however, it was actually the inside of the TARDIS, and they proceeded to fuck in there instead.</p><p>Veda lived happily ever after with her true love, D, and they also had a lifetime supply of tacos because Misook thought Veda was hot.</p><p>All my friends will now kill me.</p><p>
  <strong>THE END</strong>
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